he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
