My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
