you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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