I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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