Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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