I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
