My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
