Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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