what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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