You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
