I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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