There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
