just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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