Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
