I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
