I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
