Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
