remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
