The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
