Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
