when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Randomize
