very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
