Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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