ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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