non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
