how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Still dying that you shit outside
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
