She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
