her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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