community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
