I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
