if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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