there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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