thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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