How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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