What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Green mimosas i think yes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
