i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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