Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
