I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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