My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
