we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
