ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
