no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Pants are for mortals
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
