fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
