i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
