i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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