Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
