If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
