After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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