I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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