the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
