I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
