Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
