can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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