I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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