i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
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Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
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I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.