and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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