we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
