Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
