She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
